I’ve lost my father to COVID-19.
It began in early February when he started to develop a fever. Ten days in, we finally convinced him to get swabbed. It turned out positive. We were not too worried at first – in spite of all the symptoms, he seemed to be doing very well for his age. He reluctantly checked into the hospital, and we held a regular video call with my siblings to make sure he didn’t get too bored in isolation. As late as the eve of his passing, we had a fun chat – he was a little bit incoherent, but we owed that to a lack of sleep and nothing too worrisome.
What still leaves me in shock is how quickly all the hopefulness turned into a losing battle. In a matter of hours, his oxygen level dropped from a solid 95 all the way down to 25 at a certain point. The oxygen masks and ventilators were not helping, and he was in preparation to be intubated as the only remaining option. Before they could get it done, unfortunately, his heart gave in. This was on February 21st at 6:38PM. What still hurts is that our final conversations were in video calls – but that’s all these times afforded us. I can tell you the pandemic will never feel as real as when someone close to you is taken away.
That’s the story of my dad’s passing, and you might notice it’s in italics, because it’s not really the story I want to tell now. My father lived a full 76 years, and that’s truly no small feat. More than anything, I believe that’s the story that’s really worth talking about – a life lived fully.
And while he was always reserved and rarely talked about himself nor told a lot of stories, I’ve picked up a lot from him simply from his constant presence.
In his memory, here are a choice few lessons from my father that I have carried, and will always carry, with me.
#1: Stability is just as important as risk taking.
My dad was not a big risk taker. In fact, he spent his days in strict routines, and when he found something else that he enjoyed, it eventually just became a part of his routine.
One of my favorite memories growing up was our regular bowling nights. Without fail for what I remember was at least a year or two, he would take our entire family out bowling every Saturday night. Then we’d get pizza at the same pizza place and make the exact same order of mozzarella sticks and Hawaiian pizza. I can imagine how boring it might sound to do that every single weekend, but it never was. We all enjoyed it immensely (or at least I did).
I realize that while risk and unpredictability is important to move ourselves forward, stability is just as important to keep ourselves grounded. If there’s any word that best describes my dad, it was stable, and as kids growing up, that definitely was something we needed. It just takes a while to be truly appreciated.
#2: Love by being dependable.
I don’t have doubts that I picked up my love language from my dad. We both show our love through acts of service. In 2013 when my mother passed away, I always thought that we had simply prepared enough to not feel overwhelmed picking up the pieces, because she had already been struggling with cancer for a few years. But recent conversations with my siblings made me realize it wasn’t just that – it was all easier because my dad reliably took care of the difficult things.
He also had a sharper memory than any of us. Even though it occasionally failed in his recent age, we could still always depend on him when we asked for something we needed. No reminders and follow ups required, he simply pulled through all the time. Many say we should tell people we love them before it’s too late, but I disagree – with some people, it doesn’t even need to be said. My dad wasn’t expressive nor vocal about his love for us, but with all that he did, I’ve never felt any doubt about it.
The evening when he passed, I asked my wife and siblings to call it a night and allow me to take care of the post-mortem arrangements. I was eager to do this, just as I did for my mother. The alone time definitely helped me process my feelings, but more importantly, it allowed me to show my love one last time, in a language that I knew me and my father both understood.
#3: Enjoy the little things.
I can only imagine how tough the home quarantine was for my dad, and I definitely can’t fathom how difficult it was for him to be confined in the hospital, even for just the few days he was there. He thoroughly enjoyed the little things in life – dinners out with family, one-night staycations at the nearby beach, and, more recently, simply watching his grandkids playing at our family home. And all of that was taken away from him for nearly a year due to the pandemic.
With my dad, there were no grand vacations overseas (and I mean that literally – he wasn’t going anywhere that couldn’t be accessed by land). No huge parties or extravagant gifts. Just the simple things. And I learned to enjoy all of that after being privileged to experience them myself growing up.
I’m thankful we got the chance to do some of these things over the holidays and early on in the beginning of this year – celebrating several birthdays and taking brief staycations. Should we have been more restrictive with him knowing the risks? Maybe. On the other hand, I personally am happy he had the chance to enjoy the little things for a while and to have that sense of normalcy, before it would be too late.
Seeing how healthy my dad had always been even at his ripe age, I always thought he would go only on his own terms. And in a way, he did. His passing may have been untimely, but from a higher perspective, I believe it was in its right time – when he had already truly lived and was not at all lacking with what he had already accomplished, most especially as a father. He had raised well-adjusted (well, most of the time at least) kids and has seen us grow up and start meaningful careers and families of our own.
But equally important, it happened at a time when he was still fully himself – stable, dependable, and eager to enjoy the little things.
And I get the privilege of getting to remember him that way.
In loving memory of Nelson Ong Sy, 1944 – 2021
Dexter is an engineering manager at Synacy, a co-founder of ATeam Business Software Solutions, and founder of TechManagement.Life. He loves to share his experiences and thoughts on managing software teams and running businesses.