While it seems pedantic to even be discussing it, there is definitely a lot to talk about when it comes to the two variations of the golden rule. To those unfamiliar, the two variations are the Christian variation, which is phrased as:
Do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
… and the Confucian one which is phrased as:
Do not do to others what you would not have them do to you.
True enough, the negation in the Confucian version seems like a minor detail but it does make a world of a difference. While both perspectives are excellent rules to live by, the implications of each are completely different.
Why am I bringing this up? I’ve been reading Radical Candor recently and the “platinum rule” was brought up as a step up from the “golden rule” for dealing with people at work. While the golden rule is definitely powerful advise that works wonders in building good personal and working relationships, this post is mainly about that “platinum rule”.
Practice with caution
The platinum rule, in my opinion, is simply the golden rule exercised with care and caution. The truth is, the odds aren’t very high that something you would like done for you also applies to other people. It’s important to recognize that almost everyone you interact with has different values and personalities.
Oversimplifying the golden rule to simply mean “do favors that you would likewise want done for you” may not be as effective as you think. In my experience, it could even be detrimental. The favors you extend to others may not resonate the same way with them if it’s not something they particularly value. Sometimes, they might be misconstrued as a waste of time, insincere, or even uncomfortable for the person.
A common example that managers might face is how to give recognition to a teammate who did something awesome. While you might personally like to be recognized in a fancy ceremony on stage, some members in your team might appreciate that less. Worse, it might actually be embarrassing for them.
How about the Confucian version?
This version actually might be a little more universal. While the things we value and like often vary greatly, there are a lot of universal “dislikes” that nearly everyone can agree on. No one wants to be blamed, yelled at, or misled – to name a few.
Additionally, in many pursuits of life, the things you don’t do are often as important, if not more important, than the things you do. So while it often seems like doing nothing means not creating any value, in some situations, it really is your best option. I personally believe that fostering psychological safety in your team is equally about what you don’t do as it is what you do.
This approach isn’t fool proof though. While doing nothing doesn’t actively harm anyone, it can lead to a lot of missed opportunities. More than that, what you don’t do is naturally not something people actively notice. So if you’re trying to establish rules on what shouldn’t be done, you’re not going to find a lot of success just by quietly modeling them.
What should we do then?
In the end, if you do need something from others, it’s always better to communicate your needs verbally. They say actions speak louder than words, but actions, and more importantly the intentions behind them, are often ambiguous. So be explicit about it and make it known.
Taking it a level further is establishing good relationships with your colleagues, managers, and reports. Improving our understanding of each other’s preferences, values, and pet peeves can help us actually do good things and avoid the bad – and have it actually matter.
When you communicate what you want, it wouldn’t be too selfish to expect the same from others. Perhaps this is the reciprocity the golden rule actually seeks – mutual understanding of expectations through clear communication and good relationships.
Dexter is an engineering manager at Synacy, a co-founder of ATeam Business Software Solutions, and founder of TechManagement.Life. He loves to share his experiences and thoughts on managing software teams and running businesses.